Nandini Raman

Nandini Raman is a consultant counselor; a corporate trainer and a columnist with The Hindu’s educational supplement called The Edge and contributes to a successful bimonthly column called ‘Off The Edge’. She has 12 years of experience in this field and is a guest faculty at many prestigious banks, schools and educational institutions. She is people oriented, an extrovert, enthusiastic & cheerful, always ready to educate, encourage, help and empower others. More at http://iamfine.in

Annapurna Sharma on a Skype chat with Nandini Raman about the Psychological Effects of the Pandemic.

Annapurna Sharma (AS): Thank you Nandini for this interview. This special feature of Muse India, Love in the Pandemic focuses on the Effects of Pandemic on Love and Relationships. Does Covid-19 affect people and their lives?

Nandini Raman (NR): Thank you Annapurna. It’s a great pleasure talking to you. Yes, Covid-19 Pandemic has been a difficult and unexpected change. People have to get used to the new normal of physical distancing, wearing masks, staying indoors, washing hands and the like. It is no less than a shock and this affects day-to-day life and relationships. We must learn to cope with the unprecedented present and (God knows) what may come in future. Mental health is as important as physical well being.   

AS: I read Chennai Counselors Foundation’s (CCF) Parenting Manual for Covid-19. It is a timely handbook to assist parents. Why did you and your co-authors feel the necessity for such a manual?

NR: CCF is a pioneering group of mental health professionals with hands-on experience during times of crisis. It was an attempt to educate and empower parents/ caregivers to face the challenges in parenting during COVID-19. Today parents have the pressure of working from home and also lack the resources that they had earlier (domestic help, cook, driver). Moreover children are also around all day without a structured program like school and extracurricular activities. Attachment between parents and the child in early childhood is important and lays a strong foundation for better behavior in adulthood. Presently we find the need for safety and security in our behavior and that of our children. There is a need to improve intimacy between parents and children. We hope this e-book is useful. (A Short Parenting Manual for Covid - 19 Free E-Book)

AS: In the handbook, you mentioned children in the age group of 0-3 years. Their interaction is often within the cosseted spaces of home and known people like parents or other elders in the house. Their understanding of the ‘The Pandemic’ is relatively nil, then how can they be affected?

NR: In this age group children understand physical touch like hugs and cuddles as reassurance from parents. When adults are worried, sad or scared, they do not understand the reason but they imitate parents’ emotions. We see them continuing to play even when people around them are in grief. They do not understand adult talk but can easily sense the signs of distress. This is then manifested as a disturbance in their usual routine like changes in eating and sleeping pattern or toilet habits. In this pandemic, it becomes important to inculcate personal hygiene appropriately such as covering one’s mouth while sneezing and washing hands. Parents should also ensure to spend enough time with them and attend to their physical and psychological needs.

AS: Can you relate one such incident or story during the pandemic that touched your heart?

NR: There are both positive and negative sides to it - I will share one of each. It’s the story of a young woman who got married in Jan. There was a gap of 8 to 10 years between the couple. He was self-employed and obviously there was no work during lockdown. She was settling in the marriage and in March she found a job. He had some addictions. The lack of money during lockdown made him angry and aggressive. She called me basically for a domestic violence case - he beats her and the lockdown was driving him crazy. In June she called up to say that the marriage was not working. She was articulate, ‘I am only 22 years. I will hurt for a few months or maybe a year and I’ll get on with my life but I can’t live with him, with the bruises, I am bleeding…’ She went to her parent’s house. He realized that he can’t do without her as she was his stress buster. He called her, messaged her and sent her an image of a noose, threatening to kill himself. She was worried and returned home to find that it was a ploy to get her back home and lock her in. I didn’t know any of this because I was unable to contact her. As much as his safety was important, the woman was my client and I was worried for her, so I sent her some helpline numbers. After a few weeks she got in touch and told me that he attempted suicide and was taken in for rehab – this was a difficult case – how people behave during lockdown situation.

Another case – a friend of mine lost her father to Covid. He was in the pink of health before contracting the infection. Suddenly he was critical and they lost him. She spent the previous day with her father and it was hard for her to process that he was no more. They couldn’t go to see the body and get on with the funeral – Life is so fragile.

The good ones have been far and few – one client who had a troubled marriage (a marriage of 20 years). The man was cheating the wife. They were already in therapy and continued it during lockdown. After lockdown, he was forced to stay at home and spend time with his wife and children. He said, ‘she’s much better than the other woman. Earlier I looked at my children as burden; I didn’t even know their personalities or likes and dislikes’. There was no interaction between him and the kids – they would leave to school when he was still asleep and by the time he’d come back from work and his escapades the kids were asleep and on weekends he would make some excuse to see the other woman. Now he says, his relationship with his wife is not perfect but he is working at it and asking for her forgiveness. It was great to see a relationship that was hanging on a thread to transform beautifully and as a counselor I feel so happy. As I’m talking to you, I get goose bumps that the love that still remains in the family and they are able to heal themselves through a crazy pandemic when other people are thinking of splitting or having an over dose of each other

AS: Adolescents are more resilient and understanding than their little siblings. Are they mature enough to deal with their friendships and love factors?

NR: There is a huge segment of adolescent population that is finding it difficult and challenging to cope. And the kneejerk reaction to that loneliness and isolation that they are experiencing is resulting in increased screen time – ‘Hey, I am not able to get in touch with my friends or go to school and crack jokes or play games or do training or have sleepovers…’ Initially it was difficult though, but children adapt so beautifully. I will share with you an example of my own daughter who turned sixteen through the pandemic – she went to school last in March. She says, ‘I wrote my pre-boards and didn’t even finish my exams and I am already in the 11^th and in a few months I will be in 12^th. I am still not over my tenth’. For a lot of kids, it has been very harder to move in physical time because they are still stuck with the last memory of actually been at school or the last class or last test. Having said that, they have been really aware, very intelligent and know what is happening around them, the virus, the danger, social distancing, the precautions and preventions. Their social life is really hit and for those who are in a relationship it is challenging, because it has resulted in extra hours of chatting on the phone, being on social media handles like Instagram, Snapchat, FB, Whatsapp. A lot of them don’t do it openly as their parents might sermonize. I had a very disturbing case of a young adult (16-17 years) who had a boyfriend. They were sharing videos of unpleasant stuff and the mother found it and was distressed. The mother fixed the appointment and the child was not at all apologetic about her behavior. She blamed her mother for invading her privacy. Going through a session with her was difficult. As parents we must make sure to have access to their phones at all times. A lot of parenting is about being open and consistent, though it might be really difficult but it is not about getting angry or punishing him/ her or taking away the gadget. A lot of problems are projected during conversations with the kids. It’s been hard for them, their hormones are completely crazy, their physical space is tied down.  

AS: This pandemic has affected the frontline workers and their families, some of them succumbing to the deadly virus, all in the line of duty. Can you elaborate on the psychological aspect of loyalty – towards duty and towards family? Have you got any such cases?

NR: Honestly, I haven’t got a single case of a frontline worker but I don’t know if it is pompous to add us (Psychologists) into the frontline. Who comes to a counselor? In all these years no one came back to invite me to a wedding; there are no happy stories coming to us. There are only stories of distress, depression, anxiety, low self esteem, self-harm and that can become hard for a counselor as a person. In fact when Sushant Singh Rajput’s case came out, there was a surge in the cases and most of them were about self harm, suicidal ideation and people were romanticizing the idea of suicide and justifying it. That was very difficult to an extent that the burn out for mental health professionals is very high and somewhere it is for us to discern and take a break, because if we lack the energy, then the work would be sub-standard.

What is difficult for the frontline health workers is that the way society has been nasty (if I can use that word) to those who were diagnosed with Covid and had come back home. Where will the person go? He/ she has been living there for 25-30 years. People behaved like uneducated people. Nobody is asking to be treated like God but the least is to be respectful to them for their contribution to the society. Today if someone is tested positive, it is a nightmare – one, is where to go and two, the cost incurred post admission. I completely agree, but abusing the health care worker is not the way. Where is humanity going?

AS: Old age is not anymore about the numbers. It is about the intensity of activity, be it online or offline. Older people cluster into selective like-minded groups – walking buddies, WhatsApp friends, FBs, Instagrams, literary groups, name it, they never seem to tire. These close affiliations have in fact improved their way of life. The present limitations on outdoor activity especially for 60+ group is like a sentence. How can we help them?

NR: The elderly have it hard because their daily activities are impacted – it can be a simple walk to the fruit or veggie shop or attending a prayer meeting, temple trips, meeting friends, community work, everything has come to a standstill. For someone who is intrinsically an outdoor person, it is a huge challenge but for those who have co-morbid conditions like diabetes and hypertension or have to go to dialysis twice a week, it becomes challenging for the family also. They don’t want any extra attention but they want to feel that they are also a contributing member of the family. I have elderly women clients, my eldest is 77 years and her problem is, she stopped eating because the cook wasn’t coming and she didn’t want to cook, get groceries and vegetables. Her husband is 82 years old. Her only concern was – ‘will my son be able to come from the US to do the rites?’ Rites is more of a worry for her than actually staying healthy. For another lady it is creating paranoia – ‘what if I test positive’. For such people it is all about over thinking and we must break that thought right there by saying, ‘we will cross the bridge when we come to it’.

The other family members must keep the elderly engaged – like doing puzzles or attending online classes like Bhagwadgita or Satsang. They can have family time where they can share a story about their lives with the grandchildren. With my own mother-in-law I got innovative and got her introduced into social media. She went crazy finding all her friends from school. She was meeting them after eons. It was entertaining for her to send voice texts. We must keep them engaged. All they want is to be productive and have a sense of respect.

AS: Of all the age groups, I think the most affected are those who are deeply in love. This pandemic has created distance in families, especially the newly-weds or those with newly-born. They have just begun to build their lives; will these harsh impositions impact their lives?

NR: I have had two clients in the newly-wed segment. One which I already shared with you. The other couple – they were really happy for most of the lockdown, it was like paid leave. They are both working from home and are getting so much time that they began feeling bored of each other. They want to go home to see their family, to meet other friends and people. I think that feeling of being overwhelmed because of interaction with one person all the time, is getting to people. We have not been trained to live with just one person. A lot of employees report the same – ‘I don’t hate my family but I want to get back to my physical office’. There was a woman employee who complained that she missed wearing lipstick, makeup, dressing up, going to office and meeting friends in the cafeteria.

Another client who had a baby and lacked support complained that it was hard to work from home, take care of wife and baby. The stress was getting to them. Another employee expresses that his wife is pregnant and she is at his mother’s place. She wants to share her pregnancy time either with him or her mother. She’s not talking to him and that stress is making him uncomfortable. As for the new mothers, they don’t bat an eyelid to tell visitors not to touch the baby. They are also physically exhausted because the support system is missing.

AS: Tell me more about this e-book – COVID-19 Pandemic: Challenges and Responses of Psychologists from India, published by Centre for Applied Psychological Studies (CAPS), Kerala.     

NR: A few psychologists have been actively working through the pandemic and we have put down our thoughts regarding best practices, keeping ourselves safe and also dealing with clients in this pandemic. The individual articles were compiled as a feature and published. It was a conversation by different co-authors, to get to know the other perspective – one talks about resilience while another talks of kindness or mindfulness or empathy. Now nothing is in our control, it is good to discuss other’s views also. Our thoughts generate our feelings, our feelings generate our behavior. This paper is freely downloadable and the article is also freely available in CCF website. It is nice to develop an awareness to make realistic changes in life and not horde negative feelings.

A lot of research has been done on Positive Psychology. Viktor Frankl in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, writes about his life as a prisoner in the Nazi concentrations camps – he identifies life’s purpose and inculcates the feelings of positivity. The book deals with some really disturbing events in his life. Every trauma, every critical incident, every pandemic is trying to teach us that. There is no point in worrying or getting depressed. We should understand how to tide over the crisis – eating right, sleeping enough, exercising and staying happy.

(Available for free download https://www.free-ebooks.net/psychology-culture/Covid-19-Pandemic-Challenges-And-Responses-Of-Psychologists-From-India)

AS: Last but not the least is the phase of adulthood. Adults bear the brunt of all, be it aging parents, children’s demands, bereavement, professional deadlines, financial upheavals; everything under the sun seem to be a part of their life, the pandemic affecting their lives and relationships. How can they lead qualitative lives?

NR: True, adults are in the front of everything. They need awareness, self-love and self-care. We as a generation and as a population do not focus on that. If you don’t take care of yourself, how can you take care of your family? In the cultural context – it is always looked upon as being selfish. The guilt pangs that come with prioritizing yourself is also a reason why a lot of people stop caring or focusing about themselves. It is not selfish but it is self-preserving because it is important to preserve yourself via a break or a breather. If you don’t get the time to do the things you enjoy, then you will be angry, frustrated, cranky, irritable which leads to lashing out at the wrong person / thing, not able to articulate yourself, having difficulty with relationships, feeling that everything is a burden. You should fill your love-tank and not depend on somebody else to do it for you. You must identify coping mechanisms – to bring a smile on your face – listen to music, read a book, write a blog, ring a best friend. If you don’t prioritize, you will become dysfunctional. We talk about it but we don’t talk about enough to follow it through. A lot of people complain. Instead of giving excuses lead a disciplined life – in this lockdown people are sleeping late, watching TV, chatting on social media, not getting adequate rest – not getting refreshed. Covid has taught me two things – my time and my energy are finite. I am going to choose what I am going to do. Stay relaxed and do nothing. When to do and when to stop is in fact a great skill.

AS: In India, people visit a psychologist only in cities be it Chennai, Mumbai, Bangalore. Others don’t give much importance to mental health. What is your advice as a psychologist and as a caring individual?  

NR: Actually, it is true. It is ok to be vulnerable, but what do you do with your vulnerability? Mental health is stigmatized and underrated in our country. No wonder half the population is depressed or anxious because we are not being trained to talk about our emotions. Today you failed, but tomorrow you must bounce back. Nobody in fact encourages and says that you will come up. The pandemic is a huge negative trigger and is hanging on everybody’s head. Self awareness and introspection is important. You not only have to be transparent to others but also to your own self. Reach out for help when in need. Life is not a bed of roses – there are going to be good times and bad times. Develop an attitude that this too will pass, certainly, after every dark night there is a bright morning.  

AS: Thank you Nandini for this erudite, perceptive and informative interview. Good luck to you. 

NR: I am glad to have had a meaningful conversation with you. I hope it will be useful.